Feliz Navidad - A New Christmas Story from Expats in Costa Rica

'Twas the night before Christmas and down at the beach

Not a creature was stirring, not a mall within reach.

No stockings were hung and nobody cared

To see old Saint Nick sporting swimwear.

The children all grown and gone on with their lives,

While we are perfecting our backflipping dives.

Your Mum in her bikini and I in my shorts

Just settled in for an evening of sports.

When out on the ocean there arose such a clatter

I grabbed my binoculars to see what's the matter

On top of the table I jumped in a flash

To see if some dummies got into a crash.

The moon on the crest of the new breaking waves

Reminded me of drinks I started to crave

When what to my wondering eye should appear

But a well-balanced tray with delicious cold beer.

I grabbled a new bottle of Imperial

Happy to know there is plenty for all.

Mum hooted and hollered and smacked my butt -

Feliz Navidad! and Feliz Coconuts!

Beauty Tips for the Sweaty and Slovenly

ain’t nobody got time for that shit anyway

Tica Women Are Beautiful.

It’s impossible to not notice the abundant displays of feminine beauty in Costa Rica.  In every town, in every campo, every neighborhood, every everywhere, gorgeous Costa Rican women abound.  Their hair is thick and lustrous.  Their skin appears flawless, with or without makeup.  Nails: Immaculate.  Feet: Pedicured.  Accessories: On.

How do they do it?

I don’t know!  

They won’t tell me!

If you find out, tell me so we’ll both know!

I’m about to be 45 years old.  I’m melanin-challenged with sensitive skin that somehow manages to be too oily and too dry at the same time.  Years spent fighting acne and trying to make my straight hair curly have exhausted me.  I’M DONE, SON! 

Plus it’s hot, and I’m sweaty.  Makeup in Costa Rica is a non-starter because I’ll sweat most of it off within the hour, and that’s gross.  I already ruined my favorite white t-shirt. 

No mas!

Here’s what I do instead: 

3 Unexpected Things You'll Need as an Expat in Costa Rica

Costa Rica has a well-earned reputation as tropical paradise.

Silly me, I thought all I'd need to go there would be a bathing suit and sunscreen.  

Que lastima.  Not so!  That is not the case at all!  Here are 3 surprising items every expat needs…

Pharmacies in Costa Rica: Surprise!

You know how it's so convenient to pick up milk, bread, shampoo, aspirin, and your prescription all in one place?

Well, it ain't so if you're an expat in Costa Rica.

Those ridiculous little shampoo bottles they let you bring on the plane last about two washes, and things are different here, so it's good to have a heads-up as a first-time visitor with dirty hair.

Expats in Costa Rica: 5 Crucial Travel Hacks

Remember when air travel was fun?  Before you had to get a colonoscopy to just go to your gate, and peanuts were free?

Or when gas was so cheap, you and your best friend could make a last-minute road trip for Cinco de Mayo?

Yeah, those days are gone.

Now, if you want to travel, but aren't independently wealthy enough to own a private jet, yacht, or Magic Bus, there will be Inconvenience.

Disruption.  Difficulties.  Disturbance.

And Butt-Numbing Delays.

Gas is expensive and Siri gets disoriented.  Airlines find more ways to nickel-and-dime you.  Luggage gets lost.  People get lost!  All of these things and more have happened to us, because that's just the way it is.  

We've figured out a few things to make the whole process easier by learning the hard way, so you won't have to.

Tienen un buen viaje!

Expats in Costa Rica: Culture Shock

1. You know about culture shock, right?

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Not to be confused with Culture Club, one of the best bands in the world.

   
   
   
   

   

   I dare you to listen to Time (Clock of the Heart) and try to hate it.  See, you can't!
   
   
   
   Culture shock is the personal disorientation a person may feel when experiencing an unfamiliar way of life due to immigration or a visit to a new country, a move between social environments, or simply travel to another type of life. 

You can do research all day, watch hours of Discovery Channel documentaries, pore over all your aunt's travel photo albums, follow Rick Steves religiously, and still not be prepared for what you find the first time you visit a new country.  As I found out.  Your mileage may vary.

Top 3 Culture Shocks for this expat in Costa Rica:

3.  Baking Soda is sold in dime bags.

I use baking soda for everything: cooking, cleaning, personal care - everything.  For weeks, I scanned shelves at the mercados looking for a box of bicarbonate de sodio.

Instead, I found this:

This is a 15 gram bag of baking soda, and it costs 405 colones, or about 80 cents.

I'm used to buying a giant bag at the warehouse store for pennies a pound - or in a pinch, a 16-ounce box at the grocery store for about 3 bucks.

Looks like I'll need to tweak some recipes.

2.  TP goes in the basket, not the bowl.  

This was in our bathroom in Orosi.  Hey, don't laugh.  Her English is way better than my Spanish.

To paraphrase our lovely Escazu hostess Liza, Costa Rican plumbing is delicate and must be treated gently like a baby.

I guessing aging rural septic systems, maybe?  I just don't want to be the one who trows paper in the toilet and causes an international incident, so I put the paper in the basket.

Generally, the baskets have lids and are emptied daily.  I got over it within a day or two.  It's really not that big a deal, and surely extends the life of an expensive-to-upgrade infrastructure.

1.  "Suicide Showers"

This is where culture shock could become an actual electrical shock.

At first I was like, "Oh hell no! I'll just be stinky! I'm not about to die naked in some stranger's bathroom!"

And then I got over it (after Husband went first and lived).  Electric shower head heaters are used safely all over Latin America every day, and they work fine (most of the time).

The water is heated just as it comes out, eliminating the need for a giant energy-hogging hot water tank.

It saves energy, water, and space, and I'm mostly ok with it now.

Mainly, though, it made me realize that hot water is a first world luxury, and I'm lucky to have access to it at all.  Hot water does not necessarily come standard in Tica/o houses.

And The Moral of the Story Is …

The way I've done certain things my whole life isn't the only way, or necessarily the right way.

Part of the point of traveling is to have new experiences, and if you want to enjoy your travels, it helps to be flexible and open-minded.

Also?  There's no substitute for Culture Club!

When have you experienced culture shock?  Let me know in the comments!

5 Social Faux Pas Every Expat in Costa Rica Can Avoid

People are more or less the same wherever you go.

We remember different foods from our childhoods, but most of us love our Grandmothers.

We like different music; but the generation before usually despises the next one's favorite.

Everybody likes a barbecue!

Humans are social animals - we want to connect, belong, have a purpose, and have our basic human dignity recognized, and we meet those needs through culture.

That said, culture is a social construct and what might seem innocuous to a visitor from the USA may be regarded as uncouth by our Costa Rican hosts.

Here's what you need to know to avoid the most common social faux pas…

Tastes like chicken.

Food, Fun, and Monkeys: Expats In Costa Rica Meet The Howlers

A troop of howler monkeys live in the mango trees outside our cabina.

There's The Patriarch, who sounds exactly like your crotchety old uncle belching politics at the dinner table.

Then there's a Junior male, who alternately throws tantrums fruit and takes naps, like teenage boys the world over.

The two Mamas are usually pretty chill, and make soft hooting or grunting noises at the two wee babies.

In Seattle we didn't even know our neighbors. 

I can understand them perfectly.  Turns out learning Monkey is way easier than learning Spanish.

Watching baby monkeys play is more relaxing than Valium, more fun than a sack of hundred dollar bills, and funnier than Donald Trump's toupee. 

Filming them with an eye-phone is tricky, but Husband captured this exclusive footage.

Content Note: The film you're about to see is not graphic and will not be disturbing to certain viewers.  Viewer indiscretion is advised.

The Howlers at Cobano

If only they would pee on Donald Trump's head.

7 Tips for Traveling Comfortably

The week before leaving for Costa Rica, my sisterfriend Della asked, "What are you going to miss most?"

We were living in the jewel of the Puget Sound region, Seattle, with all its natural beauty and technological wonders, like wifi and dishwashers.

Me:  "Beyond my kids and friends, I really don't know.  I don't even know what I don't know."

Her:  "Well, surely, there's got to be something, like, maybe, Dr. Pepper?"

Me:  "You wanna know the truth?  The truth is, the prospect of not having toilet paper terrifies me."
………..

After being in Central America for 2 months, I can report that toilet facilities are usually well beyond my spoiled lady expectations.

Even in somewhat run-down buildings, the bathrooms are usually immaculately clean, with modern soap dispensers, paper towels, and yes, toilet paper.  Although sometimes, you do have to buy the TP first.  (Looking at you, San Jose bus station.)

But let's face it: There are times in a traveler's life when one needs … more.

So although there's no particular "thing" I can't do without, but there are a few things that make traveling much easier.

And since I'm a totally qualified expat in Costa Rica of 8 whole weeks (really only 7) and I want you to come over -- I'll tell you what the guide books won't about traveling in comfort.

These horses give zero biscuits about TP.  Photo credit: Husband on eye-phone 6.

Expats in Costa Rica: This Bathroom Is Inhabited, Please

This is Pipa.

She’s a teeny tiny "house" gecko, and she lives in the bathroom at our cabina.

You can’t really tell from the photo, but she’s about as long as a toothpick, and as big around as 3 toothpicks put together.

Pipa was my nurse and companion today while Montezuma took his revenge.

Wave after wave of nausea caused me to retch helplessly into the sink.

Luckily, I could reach it from the seated position.

Pipa looked on sympathetically from the shower, her tiny reptile eyes warm with compassion.

“I’m so sorry, Pipa,” I said. “I didn’t mean to barge in here and trash the place.”

"No te preocupes, hermana," she said.  "Mierda sucede."

(Don't worry, sister.  Shit happens.)

  

Mind Open: Mouth Shut

August, 2015

Cobano, Costa Rica is a lovely little village on the southern end of the Nicoya Peninsula.

We stumbled into town, hot, grumpy, and out of sorts, looking for something and somewhere else.

But we found paradise.

If you know what kind of flower this is, please tell me. 

Our cabina is not fancy or new, and our room doesn't have air conditioning.

But it's perfect for us.

Mangos litter the ground.  Howler monkeys throw them down constantly - sometimes with one or two bites out, sometimes perfect and ready to eat.

Dude, your aim is crap. 

A brown gecko the size of my index finger lives in the bathroom.  I call her Morena.

This afternoon, the proprietor spent 45 minutes or so with us in an impromptu conversation about Costa Rica, United States, people, culture, and language with lots of good humor and laughter.

Kindness knows no language barrier.

Although this place is the hub to Lots! Of! Exciting! Activities! the thing I'm enjoying most is just being still, enjoying our numerous animal neighbors, and savoring the quiet moments.

It's a superb place to rest.

Pura Vida.

OK, But Why Costa Rica? A Story In Pictures

A question I often hear is, "Yeah, but why Costa Rica? Couldn't you just reduce your cost of living by living in a less expensive part of the United States?  Like Alabama?"

It seems like an easy question, but the answer … isn't.

There's a long diatribe about economic disobedience, the high cost of selfie-sticks, the unmitigated shitshow of state-sponsored violence, and distorted cultural values.

For instance, why in the name of everything holy do I even know the word "Kardashian"?

It sounds like an STD.

"My butt itches!  But I took a bath?"
"Sounds like kardashian, dude."

So, with the value of your time in mind, I humbly offer you this pictorial and woefully incomplete explanation of my current life choices.

Perspective

July, 2015

Thirty-seven miles southeast of San Jose, Costa Rica, you might as well be in Pandora.

For about 7 bucks and 90 minutes, you and your homie can ride 2 buses that take you to Orosi.

Don't worry - that price includes the seats you have to buy for your luggage.

Orosi is a tiny village surrounded by mountains, lush vegetation, and family farms, literally with a river running through it.

It's so far off the beaten path, the path had to ask directions.

Orosi is the home of Puente Hamaca, or Hammock Bridge.

The person in front is me, wearing a towel over my head so I can't see the scary stuff.  Also finding my religion.

All right, not really.  That bridge is in Nepal and you'll never catch me there.

Expats in Costa Rica: Eat, Pray, Love to Eat

June, 2015.

At last!

We are here in Costa Rica, land of the coffee, home of the gallo pinto!

Gallo pinto translates loosely to "spotted rooster," and is the national dish.  It's mostly beans and rice, and it's served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  (Not sure what the rooster has to do with it.)

I'm no stranger to rice and beans. As a single mom and vegetarian for many years, beans and rice was a staple in our home.  Just … not necessarily the tastiest one.  But, ok.  If this is what's for breakfast, I'll … adapt.   The research I'd done into Costa Rica said the food was bland, boring, and repetitive… so, ok, whatever.  If it's beans and rice for breakfast, I'll just … buckle down and eat it.

Husband and I were hungry and wandered into a tiny soda - a small, mom-and-pop restaurant where food is prepared from scratch.  There was no ham, bacon, or biscuits and gravy on the menu.  Everything was a variation of gallo pinto.  His came with eggs; mine with cheese - plus toast, plantains, and coffee.

Dude.

Gallo pinto is DELICIOUS!

HOW COME NOBODY SAID SO?!  Expat food bloggers???  I don't know why gallo pinto is so scrumptious, but now I'm on a mission to find out.*

The servings were huge but the price was not.  We got two full breakfasts, the best coffee I've ever had, and the satisfaction of doing business with real people instead of a corporation.  Total cost: less than 8 dollars, and that's with the tip.

You heard me.  LESS THAN 8 DOLLARS TOTAL, WITH THE TIP.

And we were full ALL DAY.

Cue the choir!  Let the church say, "Amen!"

And somebody please give me the secret of gallo pinto***!

*UPDATE: The secret is lard.  Beans and rice are prepared normally, and then sort of stir-fried in a light coating of lard, until the edges become a little bit crispy.  The Lard cooks in mysterious ways.

** UPDATED UPDATE: The secret is also Salsa Lizano, also known as my new favorite beverage.

Expats in Costa Rica: Lighten Up!

Seattle, May 2015.

The decision is made.

We fly away on June first, and the house must be dealt with.

Burning it down is not an option.

We rented a large home to accommodate our blended family of 4 daughters, but it wasn't long before all 4 chicks left the nest.  Now, there's just a big house, a tiny yard, an obscene heating bill, and loads of stuff.  

Honeymoon in Costa Rica, or, We Live Here Now

January, 2015.

My first look at Costa Rica was through honeymoon-tinted sunglasses.

I was in love, and ready to fall in love with the country.

The road out of San Jose was curvy, shockingly green, and filled with mom-and-pop stores.

Notably absent: big box retailers and road rage.

Our destination was a 107-mile straight shot from the airport to the coast, a little jewel of a spot, and I was ready to plop my behind into the warm Caribbean water.

What I wasn't ready for was the 5-hour drive it took to get there.

Costa Rica does not have huge interstate highways.  

In fact, the roads are notorious for being in poor repair, and barely marked.

What IS this even?!

But the tradeoff?  More than made up for it.

We drove through a twisty mountain pass and a cloud forest that looked like it came straight out of the Jurassic.

We skimmed the sides of mountains, and looked out over lush valleys.

Everywhere we turned, something was fruiting or flowering or both.

Those tropical plants from the garden store were there, in their native habitat, and they were HUMONGUS.  I mean SERIOUSLY. Who knew that the variegated croton is actually a TREE?!

"This feels good.  I could live here," I said to Husband, as we inched along behind a truck carrying a load of coffee cherries.

"I could too," he said.  "This reminds me of home when I was a little boy."

And so it came to pass, two future expats in Costa Rica started asking questions and hatching ideas.

We had been in the country a grand total of 20 minutes.

Honeymoon in Costa Rica, or The Adventure Begins

Seattle,  2014.

We are planning OUR WEDDING!

Fancy dresses for me and our four daughters!  My hot husband in a dashing tuxedo, looking like a magazine cover!  An epic party with all our friends and families!

Fancy food!  Fancy drinks served in fancy glasses!

FLOWERS EVERYWHERE!

And it only costs a bazillion dollars and your first born child!  Um, no.

Ahem.

Planning, shall we say, is not my strong suit.

As I started investigating All The Things, the first thing I noticed was the expense.

It was … sobering.

Thousands of dollars for a poofy dress to wear ONCE?  Most of these dresses cost more than my first car!  Matter of fact, most of them cost more than my CURRENT car, and I wear her every day!

And I have to buy four more dresses for our bridesmaid daughters?  Seriously?  Four girls, four different personalities, opinions, and complexions -  united only in the guarantee to hate anything I pick.

A VENUE.  We didn't reserve a venue a year in advance, and it would be $900 just to get a room at the library for a few hours.  And the park?  Nuh-uh.  All the spaces are already reserved!  Shoulda booked last year!

The stuff!  Flowers and centerpieces and gifts and photography and accessories and invitations and postage and a quadrillion other things I've never heard of or thought about.  To this day, I STILL don't understand "chair swag."  Or why a table might wear a skirt.

It would make a saint cuss.  And I ain't a saint.

As my fiancé and I looked over the budget, nausea rose and my eyes started to gently cross.

"To hell with this," I said, "Let's spend the money on our honeymoon!"

"Works for me," he said.

Costa Rica Dreamin' Part Two

I didn’t always live in a cold city.

50 shades of grey? How about one shade of grey, the color of depression.

My upbringing was an anomaly among my Generation X peers – I grew up in the country, doing farm chores, taking care of animals, running wild in the woods.  

There was no cable tv.  

I caught frogs and shelled peas.  

There were no visible neighbors, and a trip to town was kind of A Big Deal.  

The Texas sun burned my eyes and skin.

I miss the smell of the earth.

Ok, I admit the sunsets here are spectacular.

What would I do if I could do exactly as I please? 

This, or traffic.  Hmm, let me think.

Probably quit my job and go to Costa Rica.

Maybe my skin would lose that grey pallor.

What would you do?