Beauty Tips for the Sweaty and Slovenly

ain’t nobody got time for that shit anyway

Tica Women Are Beautiful.

It’s impossible to not notice the abundant displays of feminine beauty in Costa Rica.  In every town, in every campo, every neighborhood, every everywhere, gorgeous Costa Rican women abound.  Their hair is thick and lustrous.  Their skin appears flawless, with or without makeup.  Nails: Immaculate.  Feet: Pedicured.  Accessories: On.

How do they do it?

I don’t know!  

They won’t tell me!

If you find out, tell me so we’ll both know!

I’m about to be 45 years old.  I’m melanin-challenged with sensitive skin that somehow manages to be too oily and too dry at the same time.  Years spent fighting acne and trying to make my straight hair curly have exhausted me.  I’M DONE, SON! 

Plus it’s hot, and I’m sweaty.  Makeup in Costa Rica is a non-starter because I’ll sweat most of it off within the hour, and that’s gross.  I already ruined my favorite white t-shirt. 

No mas!

Here’s what I do instead: 

Sleep.  

Not pictured: drool spot on pillow.

Not even kidding.  I sleep like it’s my job and I’m up for promotion!  For real, I'm on the “beauty sleep” bandwagon.  

Back in my single days, I thought sleep was for sissies.  "I GOT SHIT TO DO.  THESE KIDS AIN'T RAISING THEMSELVES," I used to growl.  "I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD!"

Now, my husband The Doctor says I came pretty close.  He’s a self-proclaimed expert at doing nothing, an Olympic-level sleeper, and excellent teacher.  We practice together.  He’s so generous that way.

Photos from a few years ago when I was all made up and thought I looked halfway cute?  Look HORRIBLE to me now.  I looked completely hacked, but that was probably only because I *WAS* completely hacked.  I never slept, and it showed.  No amount of concealer or powder could make up for that dead look in my eyes.  THE WALKING DEAD, IT WAS ME.

So now I sleep.  Come 7 PM, my ass is in bed winding down.  By 7:04, I’m drooling onto my pillow.  I sleep until I’m ready to wake up.  It might be 5 AM,  it might be 10 AM.  I don’t care.  I wake up and putter around for a while, then get ready for a nap.

Remember in first grade when you were mad at the teacher for making the class have nap time?  That wasn’t for you!  It was for her!  Her ass was tired and so is mine!  

Now, I’m sleeping as much as I want.  It’s glorious. I go to bed early, wake up late, enjoy a nice mid-morning nap, have a leisurely afternoon siesta, eat early dinner and get ready for another early bedtime. I’m greedy for every single minute of rack time. My husband supports this program 100 percent.  Your jealousy is justified!  Green looks GOOD on you, girl!

Messing around with my hair isn’t something I’m willing to wake up early for ever again. Besides, my husband thinks bedhead is sexy - score!  I’m damn sure not trying to poke my eyes out with fake lashes before I’ve even had coffee.  Let’s leave that to the pros: RuPaul and Tica women who know what they’re doing. 

I may not be sporting big hair or a smokey eye these days, but I look alive - and that’s enough.

Larry & Jenn: No makeup, no worries