Feliz Navidad - A New Christmas Story from Expats in Costa Rica

'Twas the night before Christmas and down at the beach

Not a creature was stirring, not a mall within reach.

No stockings were hung and nobody cared

To see old Saint Nick sporting swimwear.

The children all grown and gone on with their lives,

While we are perfecting our backflipping dives.

Your Mum in her bikini and I in my shorts

Just settled in for an evening of sports.

When out on the ocean there arose such a clatter

I grabbed my binoculars to see what's the matter

On top of the table I jumped in a flash

To see if some dummies got into a crash.

The moon on the crest of the new breaking waves

Reminded me of drinks I started to crave

When what to my wondering eye should appear

But a well-balanced tray with delicious cold beer.

I grabbled a new bottle of Imperial

Happy to know there is plenty for all.

Mum hooted and hollered and smacked my butt -

Feliz Navidad! and Feliz Coconuts!

Beauty Tips for the Sweaty and Slovenly

ain’t nobody got time for that shit anyway

Tica Women Are Beautiful.

It’s impossible to not notice the abundant displays of feminine beauty in Costa Rica.  In every town, in every campo, every neighborhood, every everywhere, gorgeous Costa Rican women abound.  Their hair is thick and lustrous.  Their skin appears flawless, with or without makeup.  Nails: Immaculate.  Feet: Pedicured.  Accessories: On.

How do they do it?

I don’t know!  

They won’t tell me!

If you find out, tell me so we’ll both know!

I’m about to be 45 years old.  I’m melanin-challenged with sensitive skin that somehow manages to be too oily and too dry at the same time.  Years spent fighting acne and trying to make my straight hair curly have exhausted me.  I’M DONE, SON! 

Plus it’s hot, and I’m sweaty.  Makeup in Costa Rica is a non-starter because I’ll sweat most of it off within the hour, and that’s gross.  I already ruined my favorite white t-shirt. 

No mas!

Here’s what I do instead: